Tuesday, March 27, 2007

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

kJ. transformED into "Spaceman Spiff" at 1:12 AM. *BoNG!*

Monday, March 05, 2007

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, " Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.";

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: " Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control. "

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

" Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once? "
The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did. "

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, " Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut? "

The officer frowns and says, " And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. "

The driver says, " Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. "

The wife says, " Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving. "

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, " WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? "

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, " Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "


"Only when he's been drinking."






25 Signs U've Grown Up.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good @%!&."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh @%!& what the hell happened?"

kJ. transformED into "Spaceman Spiff" at 10:42 PM. *BoNG!*